I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
