So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
