True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
