My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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