her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
