I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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