Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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