i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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