we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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