I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
