dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
