So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
