apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
