I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
