Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
