I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
