im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
