I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
