Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
