for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
