its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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