My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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