Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
