dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
50% drunk capacity currently
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
