apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
