home. puking in laundry basket.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
