its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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