During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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