Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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