I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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