i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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