SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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