When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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