So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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