took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
