Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize