Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
