mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize