I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
