As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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