just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Vodka?
Forever.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
