what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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