How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
