You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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