Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
