All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
