So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
