Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize