i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
