i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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