I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Barsexuality is the new black.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
