seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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