Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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