and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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