I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
