I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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