some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
