I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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