the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
