Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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