Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
