Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
