Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize