Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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