last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I intend to get homeless drunk
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
