i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
