When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
