and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
