The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
4 words: hood of his car
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
