she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
