I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
