your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
