I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
